Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Life at a stand still...

Hello... :)

I feel like my life is at a stand still at the moment. I feel blessed, though. I feel like everything is okay but I also feel like I'm still waiting. I know that patience is key in waiting...as well as intentionality. I just hope that I can keep growing, learning about myself, and that I keep doing the things I want/need/ought to do without having these things I'm waiting to happen to me looming in the darkest corners of my thoughts. It's really frustrating. I'm still waiting on the last three things I wrote about. It's definitely difficult.

Meanwhile, I have learned about this psychological term coined by a Phd psychologist called, "Highly Sensitive Person." I come to the conclusion that I am a highly sensitive person. It doesn't equate to being nice; believe me, I have my moments of selfishness and I am a Christian, so I believe every human has a basic evilness to them...besides that point, I'm extremely sensitive in that my nervous system picks up information more readily than other people and I tend to be deeply emotional. I find that so weird because I've just come to the realization, after interacting with people over the past four years, that other people don't feel the things that I feel *DUH* and that the reason why I feel so disconnected from most people IS because most people are not HSPs. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I even had a weird night last Wednesday that made me cry after the fact because I felt, "Man...I'm never, ever going to be able to fit in anywhere? Am I?" Then all of a sudden, the Highly Sensitive Person was something that God showed me. I don't remember exactly how I came across it recently, but God showed me how He made me and it's a relief to know that it's because of my nervous system I am this way and that there's books I can read about it...so I can feel less alone.

I also finished reading the book of Joshua and I must say...God spoke to me. Joshua is kind of a gruesome book. There's a lot of war and death that I don't necessarily like...but I trust what God allowed and encouraged.

God's old testament was without Christ and therefore man was not connected with God as we are now with Christ. Before, God only saw man as His creation. With Christ, God sees us as sons and daughters. Now, imagine, God as you and people as pesky ants or spiders. God saw us in that manner before Christ; therefore, He did with man as He pleased. I can't fault Him for that because we are His creation. At the same time, despite all the ugliness man was proliferating, He chose some special people...like your pet dogs, to love, care for, and tend to...to train and to reward. This was our connection without Christ. Now that Christ has done what He has done, we are loved by God like a human would love their own child. God's love, because of Christ, is deep...full and bonding. Now that is something Joshua reminded me of. I learned this through a friend of mine at church. When he told me that, in less detailed way I might add, my view of God changed drastically. It helped me to reconcile the Old testament God with the New and to see that He is the same person...He just didn't have the blood He needed to be as merciful as He is now. He always had great depths of mercy but only through Jesus can we fully receive it.

Aside from that, a lot of Joshua is about divisions of land that God promised and the wars and driving other nations out, sometimes letting some stay, and etc. So, I will point out things that stood out to me:

1) God chose Joshua and told him to be strong & courageous; something I need desperately.

2) I loved whenever it was mentioned that the land had rest from war. It means, God wants rest & peace for His chosen ones.

3) Caleb received his inheritance because he, "followed the Lord, the God of Israel, wholeheartedly," and it was mentioned three times in the same passage; emphasizing why Caleb received what was promised to him. And following that, the land had rest from war again.

4) God demonstrated how faithful He was to the promises He gave Israel Joshua 21: 43-45

5) God often emphasizes keeping the commandments: love the Lord, walk in all His ways, obey His commands, hold fast to Him and serve Him, with all our hearts and souls Joshua 22:5

6) "But do not rebel against the Lord or against us by building an altar for yourselves, other than the altar of the Lord our God." Joshua 22:19b. This reminds me not to build an altar to myself, as in, be mindful of how I use the internet and the attitude I have about proving myself to the world or being prideful in who I am.

7) "You did not do it with your own sword and bow. So I gave you a land on which you did not toil and cities you did not build; and you live in them and eat from vineyards and olive groves that you did not plant. Now fear the Lord and serve Him with all faithfulness. Throw away the gods your forefathers worshiped beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord. But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods of your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord." & "Throw away the foreign gods that are among you and yield your hearts to the Lord, the God of Israel." This was so strong. Reminding me that whatever it is I have or get or yield in life was not because of me but because God and what He gives me or us the power to do.

There's no reason to build an altar to ourselves nor serve other Gods. We have to hold unswervingly to God and remember that He is the One who does what is good in our lives....All good and perfect gifts come from above.

Today was a lousy day in my walk with God. I didn't spend enough time with Him today and I was yearning for things of old...things that don't serve God...I am sorry for that but I hope to do better...tomorrow or even now. God is to be remembered and cherished...not the past & nothing that I am.

God bless


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