Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Jumping to conclusions.

Patience is key in everything; especially when it involves your opinion of other people, a particular situation, or making a decision. People are here for me and are willing to talk when I am open about it & I am thankful I see that now. That is why it is best to not jump to conclusions, hah. When will I learn? I don't know!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Feeling lonely...

I feel lonely today. I tried reaching out to certain people about how I feel and basically I get no reactions. I guess what I feel sad about is something so small in the grand scheme of things but it still affects me pretty badly and I can't help it. My nerves were so bad these past two Sundays all because of my cursed nature and this need to be validated by the guy I have attached my feelings to. I don't know why I continue to put myself through abuse. It's really not fair to myself. I know that it's all because I have failed to listen to God in some way or another. Anyway, I had a bible study today, though and that made me feel better and reminded me of what God's will is for my life and that is to be a blessing to other people. I am here to serve and be a blessing to others. I am here to help raise God's sheep and help them become stronger. I just wish sometimes someone would help me out, though. God helps me. I always feel like I have to be strong some how and I do want to be strong but then when I am, no one can really connect with me or care enough about me... then again, the strongness comes from the fear that if I really did share my feelings that no one would care... and that's kind of what happened today. I guess something really bad needs to happen to me before anyone would care; that's probably an evil part of me speaking. Forgive me.

Anyway, we continued to study the life of Jacob and his complacency after one of his greatest life problems had been resolved. (A great life problem that has been resolve for me is the battle to have healthier skin). Anyway, I have been struggling with really bad skin for a long time because of a stupid mistake I made around the age of nineteen. My skin is just starting to look healthy again after a long freaking time. Thank God... but now I'm wanting to settle in and get comfortable and start dating and going after my goals, my dreams. This is where the problem comes in. I stop worrying about God's will for my life and just start worrying about my own. I start making myself the center of my world instead of God and so God shakes my world and yes, it was shaken, and now I'm looking at things in myself that Jacob had to deal with. God had told Jacob to return to Bethel, it was a command and Jacob had decided to settle elsewhere. Because of this there was great turmoil. His daughter Dinah was taken captive and violated. Then her brothers came to her rescue quite violently. God had to intervene and remind Jacob of what His request was, Go to Bethel! So, Jacob had listened to God but before he continued with God's request, he made his whole family get rid of the idols and foreign gods they had and purify themselves. Then Jacob set out to Bethel with his family where God wanted to confirm His covenant with Jacob and turn Jacob into someone more self-less and worried about the needs of others.

I mean, the story continues, but I guess that's what I wanted to share. I feel like God is trying to tell me to let go of some idols in my life. I have been hearing this message over and over again. I think that the idol of my life is wanting to date this particular person. It's just been something that has been breaking my heart and nerves over and over again. Also, God has placed particular people in my life that I know He wants me to help mature spiritually, and so my focus should be on trying to help these people grow spiritually. I need to continue to grow spiritually myself and not retrograde because I want to attract some guy. Ah, it's scary and hard doing things God's way when you so badly just want to be comfortable and do things your way. And I'm not just talking about wanting to party or sleep around or anything like that, but just the pride of wanting the Christian life your way and done with your timing.

This is really hard. It really does seem like you resolve one problem just to enter into another problem all over again. It's hard as heck...ya know, it's very hard, but all you can do is do your best to trust that God really does have a plan to prosper and not to harm, a hope  and a future. That's what I see nearly everyday on the little table near my bed. I have to remind myself that God does care for me...why does He? He just does...I suck, I complain over small fry stuff, and I always wish I could call life quits, but He still loves me and helps me.

He remembers that we are dust, though, so I am grateful for that.

Peace in

Monday, February 18, 2013

Fear...

Fear can be a driving force behind a lot of the things that we do. I know it's one fuel I can operate on and it's definitely exhausting, disappointing, and paralyzing. Fear is one of the things I struggle with constantly; some days are better than others, of course, because of my relationship with God. It just so happens my fear went into overdrive yesterday evening and it drove me to a place of tears, of running to my mom instead of God, and basically going all out crazy in my own way. Crazy can mean a lot of things for a lot of people. For me, I was just crying and talking to myself, and saying stuff like, "I don't want to be here anymore. No one likes me. Who cares. No one wants my love. My help. I can't have romance the way I want it. There's no point in living..." And then my mom saying stuff along the lines of, "I told you so...." and me getting angry with her and she tells me I'm "desperate" and I angrily say, "NO! I am not!" and then humbly saying, "Okay...yea, I am..." Nothing sane about this...anyway, after talking to her and then her boyfriend, I calmed down a bit. They were giving me advice but the advice didn't sit well with my spirit. Her boyfriend was egging me on to do something that I knew in my heart wasn't right to do. I wanted to do it because of the pressure he was putting on me and the pressure inside of myself that just wanted to DO something...but God was clearly telling me not to and listened. I did nothing. I knew what was right to do in my heart plus I was scared to do what he was telling me to anyway. There was just fear all around; but no confusion. That's what I am thankful for.  When my mom and her boyfriend were giving me advice, it reminded me of the friends of Job; they were telling him all this information that didn't even sound like it was from God, but it took on some godly forms in some ways, but all it did was add confusion, pain, and frustration on both sides. I don't know why I go to my mom for advice or her boyfriend either when it comes to situations in my life.

Whenever I am in a tizzy, I like listening to Charles Stanley. I listen to him because I feel this deep connection to how he is in his relationship with God. He is so sincere, he is so deeply convicted, and he speaks with such authority. I admire his wisdom and his passion for God. He's like the grandpa or dad I wish I had... so badly.

Anyway, I listened to his sermon called, "Direction without Doubt." It is absolutely amazing! It's amazing because he makes a claim that it absolutely works. I love that. With all the confusion in the world, I need wisdom to guide to something that will remove confusion from my life. Secondly, it has reinforced something I feel like God has been teaching me about here and there all along: that I need to stop operating out of fear! Please go listen to the sermon yourself, get your bible, & just listen: Direction without Doubt

Everything in the sermon has value but what has stood out to me the most was the idea of internal and external pressure. He said that whenever we feel any kind of pressure to make a decision, we need to not make a decision. We need to stop ourselves and pray until we get clear direction from the Lord.

God confirmed this teaching today while I was reading my quiet times:
1 Peter 3:3-6 - This here speaks to women & how not to do too much out of fear.

1 John 4 - This was part of my quiet time and further down in the passage it says, "Perfect love drives out fear."

Psalm 5:11 - This just speaks about God's protection over us as we take refuge in Him, we usually take refuge when we are afraid; when we are afraid we are to take refuge in Him, not fret and start doing a whole bunch of stuff out of impulse.

Please take the time to read these on your own, but God has been placing these seeds of truth inside of me overtime. It's just that last night I finally saw what He was doing or allowed me to see what He was doing. Here's what He had been planting in me before I had my quiet time today (all on different days but I just remember learning them all so vividly):

This lady who gives relationship advice says to stop operating out of fear and doing too much to get people to love you.

Psalm 25

UnkaGlen, said something along the lines of fear being a tool of the enemy and that we can't allow fear to make us do certain things because certain fears aren't coming from God.

My friend mentioned to me 2 Tim. 1:7, of course, a famous verse. It's amazing... and it's true.

My other friend taught me that when confessing sin, we have to be aware of when we do it and how. We can't just go blurting stuff out because of guilt and duh, that's fear. We have to do it at the right time and I really feel like with the right people.

Anyway, it's something that God is trying to make me learn and remind me of. I still haven't gotten this down yet. I'm such a fearful person. I struggle with anxiety and it's absolutely something that I have overcome but still overcoming.

Anyway, I hope this helps, I'm getting tired right now and need to do my homework. I'm still at school and I have reading to do that I don't want to do. Peace in~!

In Christ

Monday, February 4, 2013

Seeing your need for Jesus all the time.

Hey there,

I'm sitting in the hallway in the science building of my school and I just got out of class about 45 minutes ago. Without God and without how much I have grown over the years, I would not be able to survive a class environment like the one I am in. The people in there are so closed off and very awkward. You try being warm with them and it's like pulling teeth. It's okay, I know it's not something they are used to. That's why I don't hold it against them. That's what I used to do in high school. I didn't understand people or human interaction or the fears that we all have when I was younger. So, when people would ignore me or I would get a certain impression, I would shut down and keep to myself; thinking that there's something wrong with me and that other people are just mean. These days, if someone doesn't want to talk to me, I see it as maybe that person has a problem and I don't attribute the problem to myself. I'm not going to concern myself with their negativity. If they warm up to me eventually, so be it, I won't hold their previous behavior against the person. In the mean time, I now just move on to the next person who will talk to me; and there usually is someone who is willing to talk. Anyway, I have changed so much because of God, it's absolutely incredible. I would have been discouraged and angry and lonely after a day like this; and my ability to learn would have suffered just like it did in high school because I would be too afraid to ask anyone for help. Now that I have more confidence in the Father and more wisdom in how to navigate strange situations like these, I am better able to cope and be resilient. This reminds me of what was revealed to me last week.

Last week I went to the Intervarsity Christian club meeting on my campus. They had worship service and then a guest speaker talked about betrayal and some of the worst forms of betrayal. He said he was reading Psalm 55 and explained how one of the worst forms of betrayal can happen when you trust someone and then they go on to betray you. And then he said imagine who this person could be in your life. He read Luke 5:27-32:

27 After this, Jesus went out and saw a tax collector by the name of Levi sitting at his tax booth. “Follow me,” Jesus said to him, 28 and Levi got up, left everything and followed him.
29 Then Levi held a great banquet for Jesus at his house, and a large crowd of tax collectors and others were eating with them. 30 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law who belonged to their sect complained to his disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?”
31 Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 32 I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.”

With this, he explained that Levi was like that person who betrayed you. He was one of the worst people you could be within that time period and culture. Levi was spiritually unhealthy. But what did Jesus do? He called Levi and Jesus hung out with Levi and all of his tax collector friends. Some Pharisees came up to them and asked Jesus why He was hanging out with tax collectors and sinners, and above you can see Jesus' reply.

He said, sometimes, as Christians, we who think we are doing spiritually well don't realize that we are still sick. Sickness is deep and Jesus is the only One who can help us with our sickness and depravity. No matter how close we think we are to Jesus, we still have ways in which we are unhealthy. We have to ask Jesus to bring healing into out lives because we will always be sick.

He said the one who betrayed us may seem so far from Jesus and we may want to label them as sinners, tax collectors, the worst of the worst when in actuality, no matter how close we think we are, we're probably just as sick as the other guy or still just as prone to sickness as the other guy.

He said, what are some ways that you are unhealthy? He asked, don't you need a doctor?

It blew my mind because I was seeing myself as someone who was spiritually healthy, pursuing God or at least trying, and acknowleding God in my life. Then when somone I perceived as, "not in a good place" started to hurt me, I started looking at that person in a negative light and elevating myself in view of my relationship to Jesus. This lesson came into my life at just the right time. I was getting prideful of my own relationship with God and thinking this person is in a bad place, such a bad place for hurting me like this. Yes, it may be true that this sister of mine is in a pretty bad place but I'm not better than she is. I'm still sick and I still need to be like Jesus and love her, spend time with her, and not cut her out of my life. Not that I wanted to cut her out of my life, but that is my natural tendency. Same with these people that I'm going to school with. My natural tendency is to go inward, get angry, lose patience, and isolate myself from the people I perceive as hurting me and sick. Jesus would look at these people, see their hearts, and have compassion on them.

I'm learning to be more like Jesus, if anything, in situations where I feel hurt or when others I care for are hurt. I'm learning to love like Jesus loved and to love from a place of compassion and not obligation.

For my sister, I hurt for her. I do. I see the pain she carries and I'm sad. I know she doesn't want to hurt me but she wants to preserve herself. She wants something for herself to make her feel good. I get that. I see that. And I'm sorry. She sees an opportunity and she's taking it; regardless of how I feel. I understand. It's painful and I don't want her to be hurt. I don't want to be hurt either, but since I am a bit healthier, it's my obligation to love her and to perceive her heart. I may not know exactly what's wrong like Jesus but I can intuit what might be the problem or the issue and act accordingly: from a compassionate place.

I can only hope that within me I can be sustained with whatever happens and that I can operate from a place of godliness and love for God and love for my fellow man, than a place of selfishness and love for myself. I only know my selfishness will lead to destruction and the hollowness of a Pharisee. I don't want to lack warmth and love in my life. I don't want to lose compassion because of my own dreams that I'm trying to fulfill in my own time. I want what is good, deep in my heart, and I can only hope that this deep longing will hold me back from when my anxiety wells within me.

I hope that this was inspiring. I have learned more since January 23rd, but I chose to focus on one thing that just really blew my heart into a new space. Maybe if I updated more often, this wouldn't happen, lol. Anyway, praise God for revelations and changes in our hearts. It's all for His glory, the betterment of others and ourselves.

In Christ.