Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Happy New Year. Happy 2013.

This was a lackluster New Year's Eve & New Year's Celebration for me but what anchored me throughout the day was God. I've been nervous all day because of my preoccupation with a certain fella and the fact that he might like someone else. I was hoping that he would get in contact with me before New Year's Eve, but it just never happened. I was praying all day to get over my nervousness and to accept whatever may happen. I am anchored in the fact that God has a plan for my life; not just a plan, but a good plan. Although I still feel nervousness, I don't feel it to the point of death and despair. I feel the pain and I anticipate that Christ will get me through the pain. I know that with every pain there's a lesson, there's growth, there's something God is doing to protect me and other parties. I know that God is a God of solutions and He's mysterious and creative; far beyond I could ever be. For me, I just want to learn how to pray more to know what God's next step for me is and to obey more and to obey in faith (even if I am filled with nervousness or fear).

I have learned so much over the past five years and have deepened my faith the past three years since I have been baptized in July of 2009. I mean, I have experienced some painful stuff. Not only in my childhood with being bullied and being  lonely and feeling ugly and not really feeling accepted for who I was, but just growing up into adulthood and being struck with a thorn in my side that propelled me into learning more about what it means to suffer and what it is God wanted to change in me; and struggling with my family falling apart, my dad's infidelity, my mom's depression, the loss of our home, the loss of cars, lessened income, career confusion, moving, school problems, crazy problems in my friendships, still struggling with that thorn in my side and my self-esteem, feeling very alone (but knowing God understood my pain), dealing with guys rejecting me and making me feel confused, and just having my heart shattered to pieces for the first time and learning about men in general. I mean, the past three to five years have been my hardest. My hardest (so far)...and I wouldn't change anything. I have learned so much. I have gained so much knowledge about God. God pushed me into a knowledge of Himself. I can't even list everything God has taught me; I mean, I have journals full of notes here and there; but I can honestly say that I am so thankful to God for what He has shown me spiritually, practically, emotionally, futuristically. He has opened a spiritual door for me that I have walked into; sometimes I leave the room; but He.... He keeps that door unlocked. He has blessed me often, too; He has blessed me enough that I actually see some light now, after being in the dark for so long.

I am so ashamed of the times I leave Him but I am so blessed to know that He loves me and gives me the things in life that I truly don't deserve. I hope to write a post just listing all of the things He has taught me. I will not list them in this particular entry because it's getting pretty long; however, when the sun rises and my eyes open, God willing, I will be here and list all the things the Lord has taught me graciously and sometimes through His loving hand of discipline.

Have a blessed night & first day of the year,
G.

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